Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Love, Brave, Courage?

well first off this whole blog things is very new, so you'll have to forgive me...i have no idea what im doing.

Love-a profoundly tender, passion aBoldffection for another person.

Brave-possessing or displaying courage;valiant.

Courage-the state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

i dont think i truly knew what these three words ment till these last couple months..i have gone from teenager to mother in nine months...had to grow up more in those nine months than people do in nine years. i dont know how i did it, it still feels like a dream that none of it really happened. if you dont know what im talking about, i will fill you in. i had a healthy beautiful baby boy on Febuary 25th, 2010 His name is Graydee Shane Swanger..and he is truly what they say amazing..i have no idea where i would be if i didnt have him in my life now..
i had alot of thinking to do why i was pregnant..trying to figure out what i was to do..i had two options keep my son, or place my son..those first months were the easiest. i hadnt felt him move or kick it was just this thing growing in me. so i choose adoption. so i started looking at family's not one of them felt right or for me. Than my dad was talking to an old neighbor who i have known sense i was 5 years old, Shane and his wife Heather had been trying to have a baby for a few years and no luck. so we decided to have dinner with them and talk about it..i remember seeing them pull up in the drive way and seeing Heather, get out of the car..i had an overwhelming feeling before i had even talked to her she was the one, she would my sons mother..this woman i didnt even know, she was the one. so we decided on them and let them know to get ready for a baby..but as the months grew on..that second ultra sound where i were to find out the sex of the baby, i looked at the screen and saw this tiny baby he wasnt just something growing in me was real..and two weeks later i got the first kick..that moment i couldnt go threw with it i couldnt let him i said he wasnt just some thing growing in me he was my i changed my mind i was to keep him..i thought of all the things i had to do to make this work, with job, school, i were to be a single mother..i had my mom call heather and shane and let them know i was debating what i was gonna do broke my heart i had to let them know..i cant imagine what it must have been like..but at the same time i was picking out names and getting excited i kept telling myself "i could do this"..and for about a month and a half i was planning on keeping him, but one night i couldnt sleep something didnt feel right so i got on my knees and prayed real hard for the first time in a very long time..and it came to me i needed to call heather so i did, i hadnt talked to her sense i decided i was keeping him..but as soon as she answered the phone, that overwhelming feeling came again..just by her voice, i knew it she was the mother of my i let her know the adoption was back on, and she started coming to my doctors appointments with me and we got to knew each other and this woman has a heart of gold, she just has this glow about her..that when your around her it makes everything okay, i felt safe, i knew i was gonna be okay in the end when i was around her. so the months passed and when i had my last doctors appointment my doctor let me know i would be induced the next day, and i can remember being so nervous i didnt sleep one minute that night, i know he was in my belly but it was my last night "with him" and so i took advantage of every second that night. the next morning i was in the bathroom getting my gown on in the hospital and i realized i was gonna be doing this alone i didnt have that other significant other to go threw this with, yes, i had my family but none of them knew truly what i was about to go when they put all the needles in me and i got my epidural all my family came to sit with me threw the 14 hour labor, and i had heather come for me..and when she walked in that door i knew i wouldnt be doing this alone, she was that other person i would go threw this with, she wouldnt be there in the dilvery or anything but she was that other person to feel scared with..and i was it was time to push around 7 at night and it took about two hours before finally he came, oh that moment was the best moment of my entire life..i changed my mind right than i couldnt go threw it, the adoption, he was mine..and he was perfect 8 pounds 12 oz all that big baby was mine. so that night i couldnt have the family come see him..and when they finally got me down stairs and i got to just hold him i never wanted to leave that moment..we finally got him to sleep and i had him sleep in the room with me that night. of course i couldnt sleep i just listen all night to him make his baby noises, he has a real good cat noise he makes when he sleeps. oh it was hilarous but listening to him just breathe was so amazing..i cried almost the whole night in silence but i heard my mom start crying around 3 am and i knew i wasnt alone going threw the next day i had vistors and all my family come, but we set a certian time for shane and heather to come..when they came in and i saw heather and shane hold my son, i couldnt help but think graydee didnt pick me for his mother..he choose heather ...i was just to get him here safe and healthy..yes i am his mother and always will be but heather truly is his "mother" so i spent the rest of the day with vistors, and when i had family in the room i was thinking i only have one more day with this baby, and i just broke down and everyone stared at me..i had to tell them to go i felt horrible but this was my time with him..which was more i spent again that night, just listening to graydee sleep.
the next day was signing the adoption papers and sending him home with his family..the adoption atorney came in and put the papers in front of me , and it felt so wrong i again had changed my mind..but i signed the papers cause everyone was there i didnt have a choose i after that i had about an two hours to spend with graydee..and when it was time for him to go home..i couldnt do it..the whole three days i had him he slept and that last 20 minutes i had him his eyes were open the entire time, not crying or fusy just staring at i cried with him in my arms..and after i calmed down i had just heather come get him, because this was a mother to mother thing and so she came in to that room and i knew i was doing the right thing i placed graydee in her arms that was the second most amazing moment of my life..we both cried..and she said "alex i love you" and than i realized i didnt need to sign any stupid papers to know that graydee was hers..and she walked out with him..he was gone just like that..and i couldnt breathe it was like someone punched me in the stomach..but at the same time i felt comforted that i was gonna be okay. so there i had to be brave i had to put my feelings aside for graydee i love this little guy so much i needed to give him more than i could give him. yes im sure i could have done it , raised him, i would have found a way..but there were those things i couldnt give him that every child deserves..and heather and shane could! i will never know if keeping him was the right thing, ill never know, but i will know that "gifting him" i didnt give him up or place him..i gifted him with a life..and i will know that i did the right thing..even though there are days were i feel i cant go on that i made a mistake but, than i think of that moment when years down the rode when he is old enough to understand he will be able to say "thank you, mom" and all of this im going threw sadness and confusion..will all go away..
i did this all alone, i have never done anything alone, but i did the biggest thing that ever happened to me, and i did it alone it took courage that i never knew i had, but i did it, im still doing it...and im gonna get threw this.
i have become a completly, better person and changed my whole life around..and i have this tiny "big" little baby to thank for it.:))
it took being brave, couragous and all my love to do what i had to do..people always say "i think your really amazing", i dont think that..i just did what i had to do..and taking one day at time.


  1. Wow Alex... nice way to make me cry @ work! Your amazing. And we are so proud of you.. Keep your blog up. You will be happy you wrote it all down. And it will be a good thing for that little baby to read one day.

  2. Alex! I'm reading this through tears. I think only few people can relate to how you feel, but I think we all understand that you are a better person from this experience. You are right that your son will say 'Thank you' one day. I love you girl! Stay strong :)

  3. I really admire you Alex. This totally made me cry, you have an incredible story. I can't imagine how difficult this all was. One day you will truly be able to understand everything you did for your son, even though it was so hard. You've given him a new life, filled with people that love and care for him. He too one day will know how truly amazing you are. Thank you for your example, you're an inspiration to me and so many girls out there.

  4. Sweetheart you did something that only the strongest can do!! Your amazing because you really cared for this child as a mom and a mother but you still gave him what was best for him because of that love.