Monday, May 10, 2010


mothers- Yesterday in church i heard a talk be given by someone, and put a new meaning to the work mother, mothers arent just someone who has child, but someone who is loving and caring and would do anything for the ones they love.

And thats when i realized i have three mothers.

1. Heather Swanger, Graydee's mother, she was the one who came to all the doctors visits, asked the questions i didnt think to ask, called me just to make sure i was okay, makes sure my future is bright, makes sure its so easy to talk to her, holds my hair back when i was throwing up :) (i feel terrible about that one) still had faith in me, when everyone else didnt. and never once judged me for my past mistakes. She is truly has a heart of gold this woman, and i am so happy she gets to raise Graydee, this woman deserves it..she was a mother long before ever having her own child. i love you Heather.

2. Sarah Horsley, my mom number two, we have some good laughs, and she was always there for me when my family wasnt doing so good, she acted as my mother when i needed it most, texts me EVERY day to make sure i was okay, always has encouraging words. takes me to get ice cream when i craved it. and we see every depressing crying movie that ever comes out. lets me eat what i want and not say one word =)) we can talk about hot, sexy vampires all night..ohh sarah your the greatest friend and mother figure, love you lots! own mother, Robyn, who loves me for all my faults, stayed in every weekend to be by my side so i didnt have to be alone, listen to me boob and ball about anything and everything, who kisses me even though she knows i hate it, keeps her door open till i come home to make sure im okay, doesnt let it go when i dont tell her whats wrong, walks with me threw the big college, makes me cd's, stays down stairs to watch movies even though she cant keep her eye open, sends encouraging texts, lays in my bed in the morning to talk about our nights, stays by my side even if she doesnt 100 percent agree's with me. Forgives me for all my wrongs, my mom, well she is the most amazing person i know and i wouldnt be able to do any of this without her. i love you stinky.

i love all these woman, and have had the biggest impact on my life thus yet.


Jealousy-is an emotion that typically refers to the negitive thoughts and of feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love.

I can honestly say it takes alot for me to feel jealous. i have never been the jealous type not with boyfriends or friends or that "that girl is prettier than me" and if i do feel jealous i dont usually let people know..but latley this rage of jealousy has, i guess you could say like "token" over me. Everytime i see a pregnant woman my heart drops, like that feeling you get when you lose someone or you find out bad news or your cant breathe..and all you want to do is run away from it, i know totally cheesy right? but that is really what happenes. i get this anger towards these women i see. i can say i have no idea why either..i hated pregnacy, the sleepless nights, the heart burn 24/7 , the back aches, the waddling, the strech marks, the nasuea, swallon feet, getting fat, nothing ever fitting, not being able to breath, waking up drewling cause i cant breath, brusied ribs from his feet slidding up and down my ribs, and i could go on for days about the creepy dreams you have. but there is that moment, like in this picture..the first heart beat, the first kick, the first hick-ups, waking up to an active baby, doing kart-wheels in your belly, feeling his hand againt mine, falling asleep to holding him, or staying up all night just feeling him, taking every last bit in. These are the moments that make up for every single bad thing about pregnacy. The knowing that you have this little baby growing in you, knowing he has a whole life a head of him, that he will one day go to his first preschool class, or his first t-ball game, his first best friend, graduating high school, getting married, having kids of his own..its an overwhelming feeling to have an understanding of this, and that is where i get jealous of the waddling pregnant woman, they still have that..thats some of the only memories i have of graydee im scared to forget them. The weirdest thing is your stomach bubbles and it feels like a kick and thats when again your stomach drops to the floor and all you can do is cry..i never in a million years thought i would miss this part of my life..but i do..and seeing pregnant makes me if you are pregnant..yeah it sucks bad but embrace it cause its the most amazing thing we can ever go threw as woman. people may say im missing parts of Graydee's life. im not. he has a life full of firsts and one day he will be able to tell me about them. but for now i couldnt be happier with the fact that he is with his family, safe and sound..and yes i got the part of feeling him grow in me and develop, but heather she gets to see him grow as a person and as his mother..your a very lucky lady.