Monday, May 10, 2010
I can honestly say it takes alot for me to feel jealous. i have never been the jealous type not with boyfriends or friends or that "that girl is prettier than me" and if i do feel jealous i dont usually let people know..but latley this rage of jealousy has, i guess you could say like "token" over me. Everytime i see a pregnant woman my heart drops, like that feeling you get when you lose someone or you find out bad news or your scared..you cant breathe..and all you want to do is run away from it, i know totally cheesy right? but that is really what happenes. i get this anger towards these women i see. i can say i have no idea why either..i hated pregnacy, the sleepless nights, the heart burn 24/7 , the back aches, the waddling, the strech marks, the nasuea, swallon feet, getting fat, nothing ever fitting, not being able to breath, waking up drewling cause i cant breath, brusied ribs from his feet slidding up and down my ribs, and i could go on for days about the creepy dreams you have. but there is that moment, like in this picture..the first heart beat, the first kick, the first hick-ups, waking up to an active baby, doing kart-wheels in your belly, feeling his hand againt mine, falling asleep to holding him, or staying up all night just feeling him, taking every last bit in. These are the moments that make up for every single bad thing about pregnacy. The knowing that you have this little baby growing in you, knowing he has a whole life a head of him, that he will one day go to his first preschool class, or his first t-ball game, his first best friend, graduating high school, getting married, having kids of his own..its an overwhelming feeling to have an understanding of this, and that is where i get jealous of the waddling pregnant woman, they still have that..thats some of the only memories i have of graydee im scared to forget them. The weirdest thing is your stomach bubbles and it feels like a kick and thats when again your stomach drops to the floor and all you can do is cry..i never in a million years thought i would miss this part of my life..but i do..and seeing pregnant woman..it makes me jealous..so if you are pregnant..yeah it sucks bad but embrace it cause its the most amazing thing we can ever go threw as woman. people may say im missing parts of Graydee's life. im not. he has a life full of firsts and one day he will be able to tell me about them. but for now i couldnt be happier with the fact that he is with his family, safe and sound..and yes i got the part of feeling him grow in me and develop, but heather she gets to see him grow as a person and as his mother..your a very lucky lady.