Tuesday, December 21, 2010

a found post secret!

As i have already expressed before i am a huge fan
of the post secret books.
and as usually i went to borders to read them for the 100th
time with my friend Jessa.
when we were going through them i kept finding little pieces of paper
where people had written their secrets and placed them in the books.
which was exciting.
i read most of them, but someone had placed one in the was written in
(what i thought was Spanish, thanks Clayton!) but was french.
i decided to take it home with me and figure out what it said.
so i have had it in my room for over a month and had forgotten to "google translate" it.
and so today i did.
this is the "post secret"

"i cry because i hate ugly. i want to be beautiful"


i don't know who you are, or where you are, and well you will probably never read this. but you should know that you are Beautiful. and so brave, for even having the courage to write this and place it in a book. and I'm sure you are loved by so many.

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart” Helen Keller.

i think i want to do a post secret. =) thank you, whoever you are.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Me & Things.

I have decided to write some things about myself that only really i
know about myself and the close friends and family know.
bad or good, i will tell.

1. i paint my finger nails way to much.
2. i think reading is an escape from relality, maybe that's why i love it so much.
3. my sniffer (nose) is amazing, even after having a baby.
4. i check my facebook to much.
5. i love anthropolgy.
6. i tend to give better then i recieve.
7. i hate telling people no.
8. im very easily entertained.
9.i laugh at just about everything.
10.but my laugh is loud and hideous.
11. i spell like a 6 year old, im horrible.
12. also driving isnt my best asset.
13. zupas, crosses my mind at like 3 times a day.
14. i wear fake eye lashes a couple times a week (its almost like an addiction once you wear them its hard to not want to all the time)
15. i watch to much tv, but their is just so many good shows.
16. i would rather go see a movie then do something crazy.
17. im a home body.
18. i struggle with major anxeity. but i've learned to manage it.
19. i have a phobia of vomit!! and if you know me, you know what i mean by phobia.
20. my favorite color is red.
21. high heels make me feel beautiful.
22. i absouletly hate confrontation. i get that from my dad.
23. my dad is one of the funniest people i know. and i dont know where i would be without him.
24. my mom well lets just say she is a pretty amazing person. she knows me best.
25. i have a son named Graydee.
26. Who i also placed for adoption.
27. he is on my mind about 22/7 haha not 24/7 but 22/7 ha.
28. i miss him most of the time.
29. heather is who i want to be like someday. you know who you are.
30. my cheeks are huge! and thats and understatement.
31. i would rather listen to a piano playing then listen to rap or screamo or anything.
32. i sometimes miss high school (never thought i would say that)
33. i LOVE my job. most of the time. who would complain about free tanning.
34. i dont like ice cream
35. but i love CHOCOLATE!
36. i leave my tv on till i fall asleep.
37. because of the movie paranormal activity im scared of the dark.
38. i hate being touched to much by random people in a big crowd, it makes me anxious.
39. i use hand sanatizer to much.
40. i hate math.
41. im the first in my immidate family to go to college!
42. ive never been able to do a cart-wheel.
43. i love to just talk.
44. i love meeting new people.
45. i get snappy sometimes. im not proud of that.
46. and i can be really sensitive.
47. i think my sister basia is one of the prettiest people i know.
48. i think tattoo's are appealing. if i could pull it off i would be covered.
49. i am mormon, and my biggest goal is to be married in the temple.
50. but i do have a mouth sometimes. =(
51. im terrible at dancing but i love to dance.
52. and singing lets not get started. i suck.
53. i cry at just about everything ha. thanks mom.
54. i care to much about other people then myself. its easier that way.
55. i dont have very many talents.
56. but thats okay with me. =)
57. i get embaressed really easy.
58. giving birth was the most amazing thing ive ever been through. sure you wanted to hear that.
59. i go from blonde hair to brown hair at least twice a year.
60. im in a bunco group.
61. id rather be goofy then serious, no one wants to be around a bore!
62. i want to travel the world for a living, but i just dont know how to get a career in that.
63. im easily confused.
64. i have strech marks from pregnancy.
65. i hate them about 95% of the time.
66. but i wouldnt take them away, they remind me each day of my son. and as crazy as it seems they make it easier to bare him being somewhere else.
67. i dont bit my nails.
68. i tend to get really close to boyfriends family's..ha its weird.
69. i love being single its made me figure out who i am, and not who i am with someone.
70. i love the snow from inside, looking outside a window.
71. lake powell could be my second home.
72. i would rather live in a small town then a busy town.
73. i love to drive on the freeway, its relaxing to me.
74. im trying to lose weight, but i love food and hate exercising so its kind of a challenge.
75. but i love my body for what its worth.
76. i miss being pregnant.
77. i think ill be a good mom one day.
78. i take to much on at once, and then get overwhelmed really easy.
79. im a procrastinator though.
80. i think religion is so intresting.
81. i want to save 3 peoples life somehow before i die.
82. im to open. about everything. but i rather that way.
83. i hate secrets. they ruin everything.
84. i gossip sometimes, but usually feel guilty after.
85. i make the ugliest noises everytime someone scares me or i hurt myself.
86. id really like to learn how to drive stick.
87.i could easily forget your name after we meet.
88. i care more about my family then anyone else.
89. i dont trust most people, but im learning to be better.
90. my best friend is my cousin chandice.
91. i love who i have become, even if sometimes i make mistakes!

i am the best i have ever been. =))

Sunday, October 10, 2010

some news.

It has been sometime sense i have blogged.
it has been a crazy couple months.
their are some really important things i would like to inform you all in on.
first one of them being, I'm officially a college student.
first one of the family, I'm very proud of myself.
i know some may think that is ignorant.
but after the last years events i never thought i would make it this far.
I'm loving every second of it, its hard work .
some days i dont think i can do it. but i always remember why?
Graydee, he is the reason why I'm sitting in that classroom.
which brings me to my next topic.
the adoption was finalized.
as i read this on facebook, through his mom's profile, i thought i would be sad.
no not one once of my being was sad, i was...
he is safe, not that anything would have changed that if it wasn't finalized.
but the feeling of knowing its Sucre and he has a family who is in love with him.
makes me, okay, it makes me feel okay, for once in a really long time.
i feel okay. =)

sorry heather i stole the picture. =)

next news i would like everyone to be informed on.Graydee's blessing.was probably well one of the best days of my life.not exactly the best, as that was his birth.anyway.it was amazing, to hear his dad give that blessing to him was truly amazing.when Shane bore his testimony. it was tear after tear. as he told the congregation how the adoption was possible how i decided to choose their family. i don't think their was a dry eye anywhere.

this is his blessing outfit, i think he is the most handsome little boy ever.literally you cant not just want to squeeze him. so for all you information, graydee is doing good. he is so big and so happy and that makes me happy. i don't know what i would do without Shane and heather as second parents to me.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


For those of you who dont know what Twilight is
well let me inform you,
its epic.
ha..something im pretty sure every woman
and little girl is obsessed with.
and to be honesty i am also one of those
obsessed women.
i dont care how much people say its stupid.
and these are the reasons why,
yes the movies may be a bit cheesy lets face it.
but what girl doesnt want two very fine men fighting over them.
come on now.
and every girl would die to be treated that way.
so men take a lesson from these movies ha.
not so much the cheese ball parts but everything else.

now i am team EDWARD ha i mean look at him!!

(sarah this photo is for you ha)
and for me its not the whole edward cullen thing
it the Robert Pattinson thing.
he has some other really amazing films
like" remember me"
and he is so mysiterious and scruffy and manly ha.
when jacob yes is also, whats the word that most people
would you use.
sexy. ha.
but kinda little boy.

at least for me anyway.maybe not so much when he takes his shirt off ha.so what im trying to say is GO TEAM EDWARD...and well ive joined the rest of the world in falling in love with these stupid books and movies. and i cant wait for breaking dawn. a year and half people. urg.

Thursday, June 24, 2010



well tonight,

i miss you.

an empty feeling.

but their never goodbye's just see you later's bug.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

the Brittany moments didnt work in my last post so here are her best moments!! ha sorry everyone!

Glee Glee and more GLEE

ive found my new obsession GLEE.

i catch myself watching the 6 episodes i have saved on my DVR.
over and over again.
(i know im pathetic)
and not like everyone i dont love finn
im a little bit in love with Noah or Mark salling
aka the bad boy of glee.
i mean seriously the prettiest boy ive ever seen ha.

now, ive asked for my birthday for all the soundtracks so i dont have to keep watching the tv and fastforwarding to the songs ha

and for my favorite girl of the whole show , well Quinn of course i think its cause i can kinda relate to her(besides the being able to sing and dance)im sure you all understand ha.

the last eposide of this season where she has her baby even with the weird back ground music, ha made me cry.but i guess any stuff about babies makes me cry.but that she placed her in rachel's moms care (sorry i dont believe in the word give up) but i cant wait to see what happens in the up coming season with that. =))

but also i have to say i really love Brittany (the dumb blonde cheerleader)her comments always give me a good laugh.like "did you know dolphins are just gay sharks" here are some of the best of her quotes!

so pretty much what im trying to say ive become a GLEE fan just like everyone else =)

Saturday, June 12, 2010


so their has been so much on my chest latley so i think now is a good time to just get it off.
one big event happened last week.
my dad got married.
which dont get me wrong i was totally thrilled about and couldnt be happier for my dad.
but i couldnt help but think, as i sat on the side watching my dad make vows with
another woman ( who i love) that this isnt the was its supposed to be.
i shouldnt be 18 and seeing my dad getting married he should be walking me and my
sisters down the aisle.
ive gone 18 years knowing only one mother and one father.
and now.....
their will always be two mothers and one day two father.
i hate to say it, and i hope i dont offened anyone when i say..i never wanted to say that.
even though i love my new step mom, and my two new siblings. i do.
but it isnt "home" you would think i would be used to it by now.
but im not and i pray and hope one day this wont feel this way.
and i can say these are my families, and this is my "home"

speaking of "home" i moved out of my house that i had lived in for 14 years, well it will be a year in september. and ive lived in this home with my mom.
but this isnt home.
this is just a place i sleep.
when my mom isnt here, its dole and lonely.
but when she is here i get a little taste of home.
something i may never fully feel again.
but when i get that glimpse of it occasionly, those are the days
i say to myself "it really is gonna be okay"

okay so i dont want everyone thinking im depressed and sad all the time.
cause im not.
im actually the happiest i have been in a very long time.
yes i have my days where i feel i cant go on one more day, and all i want
is to hold my son, and know im not alone in this..which those days are happening more
often then id like but i know its just cause i need to feel, if i ever want to heal fully.
but than i have those days where im just happy, doing nothing special then the
day before, those days make up for the sad days. and give hope.
i know alot of the reason i have happier days is because, i am back in the church thing
if you can say it that way.
tomorrow in sacrament i can take the bread and water for the first time in 3 years.
and i have never felt more relieved in my life.
i dont go a night with out praying and im reading the book of mormon for the first time.
its insane how the littlest things like those can change you, make you a happier person.
give a feeling of hope =)
after all this.
it can only get better.

Post Secrets.

so one of my favorite things to do is go to borders and
read all the post secret books.
i feel like i can relate to the secrets something,
and other times im totally lost.
but here are some that relate to me and some that
i just really like.

Monday, May 10, 2010


mothers- Yesterday in church i heard a talk be given by someone, and put a new meaning to the work mother, mothers arent just someone who has child, but someone who is loving and caring and would do anything for the ones they love.

And thats when i realized i have three mothers.

1. Heather Swanger, Graydee's mother, she was the one who came to all the doctors visits, asked the questions i didnt think to ask, called me just to make sure i was okay, makes sure my future is bright, makes sure its so easy to talk to her, holds my hair back when i was throwing up :) (i feel terrible about that one) still had faith in me, when everyone else didnt. and never once judged me for my past mistakes. She is truly has a heart of gold this woman, and i am so happy she gets to raise Graydee, this woman deserves it..she was a mother long before ever having her own child. i love you Heather.

2. Sarah Horsley, my mom number two, we have some good laughs, and she was always there for me when my family wasnt doing so good, she acted as my mother when i needed it most, texts me EVERY day to make sure i was okay, always has encouraging words. takes me to get ice cream when i craved it. and we see every depressing crying movie that ever comes out. lets me eat what i want and not say one word =)) we can talk about hot, sexy vampires all night..ohh sarah your the greatest friend and mother figure, love you lots!

3.my own mother, Robyn, who loves me for all my faults, stayed in every weekend to be by my side so i didnt have to be alone, listen to me boob and ball about anything and everything, who kisses me even though she knows i hate it, keeps her door open till i come home to make sure im okay, doesnt let it go when i dont tell her whats wrong, walks with me threw the big college, makes me cd's, stays down stairs to watch movies even though she cant keep her eye open, sends encouraging texts, lays in my bed in the morning to talk about our nights, stays by my side even if she doesnt 100 percent agree's with me. Forgives me for all my wrongs, my mom, well she is the most amazing person i know and i wouldnt be able to do any of this without her. i love you stinky.

i love all these woman, and have had the biggest impact on my life thus yet.


Jealousy-is an emotion that typically refers to the negitive thoughts and of feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love.

I can honestly say it takes alot for me to feel jealous. i have never been the jealous type not with boyfriends or friends or that "that girl is prettier than me" and if i do feel jealous i dont usually let people know..but latley this rage of jealousy has, i guess you could say like "token" over me. Everytime i see a pregnant woman my heart drops, like that feeling you get when you lose someone or you find out bad news or your scared..you cant breathe..and all you want to do is run away from it, i know totally cheesy right? but that is really what happenes. i get this anger towards these women i see. i can say i have no idea why either..i hated pregnacy, the sleepless nights, the heart burn 24/7 , the back aches, the waddling, the strech marks, the nasuea, swallon feet, getting fat, nothing ever fitting, not being able to breath, waking up drewling cause i cant breath, brusied ribs from his feet slidding up and down my ribs, and i could go on for days about the creepy dreams you have. but there is that moment, like in this picture..the first heart beat, the first kick, the first hick-ups, waking up to an active baby, doing kart-wheels in your belly, feeling his hand againt mine, falling asleep to holding him, or staying up all night just feeling him, taking every last bit in. These are the moments that make up for every single bad thing about pregnacy. The knowing that you have this little baby growing in you, knowing he has a whole life a head of him, that he will one day go to his first preschool class, or his first t-ball game, his first best friend, graduating high school, getting married, having kids of his own..its an overwhelming feeling to have an understanding of this, and that is where i get jealous of the waddling pregnant woman, they still have that..thats some of the only memories i have of graydee im scared to forget them. The weirdest thing is your stomach bubbles and it feels like a kick and thats when again your stomach drops to the floor and all you can do is cry..i never in a million years thought i would miss this part of my life..but i do..and seeing pregnant woman..it makes me jealous..so if you are pregnant..yeah it sucks bad but embrace it cause its the most amazing thing we can ever go threw as woman. people may say im missing parts of Graydee's life. im not. he has a life full of firsts and one day he will be able to tell me about them. but for now i couldnt be happier with the fact that he is with his family, safe and sound..and yes i got the part of feeling him grow in me and develop, but heather she gets to see him grow as a person and as his mother..your a very lucky lady.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Love, Brave, Courage?

well first off this whole blog things is very new, so you'll have to forgive me...i have no idea what im doing.

Love-a profoundly tender, passion aBoldffection for another person.

Brave-possessing or displaying courage;valiant.

Courage-the state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

i dont think i truly knew what these three words ment till these last couple months..i have gone from teenager to mother in nine months...had to grow up more in those nine months than people do in nine years. i dont know how i did it, it still feels like a dream that none of it really happened. if you dont know what im talking about, i will fill you in. i had a healthy beautiful baby boy on Febuary 25th, 2010 His name is Graydee Shane Swanger..and he is truly what they say amazing..i have no idea where i would be if i didnt have him in my life now..
i had alot of thinking to do why i was pregnant..trying to figure out what i was to do..i had two options keep my son, or place my son..those first months were the easiest. i hadnt felt him move or kick it was just this thing growing in me. so i choose adoption. so i started looking at family's not one of them felt right or for me. Than my dad was talking to an old neighbor who i have known sense i was 5 years old, Shane and his wife Heather had been trying to have a baby for a few years and no luck. so we decided to have dinner with them and talk about it..i remember seeing them pull up in the drive way and seeing Heather, get out of the car..i had an overwhelming feeling before i had even talked to her she was the one, she would my sons mother..this woman i didnt even know, she was the one. so we decided on them and let them know to get ready for a baby..but as the months grew on..that second ultra sound where i were to find out the sex of the baby, i looked at the screen and saw this tiny baby he wasnt just something growing in me anymore...it was real..and two weeks later i got the first kick..that moment i couldnt go threw with it i couldnt let him go..like i said he wasnt just some thing growing in me he was my baby..so i changed my mind i was to keep him..i thought of all the things i had to do to make this work, with job, school, i were to be a single mother..i had my mom call heather and shane and let them know i was debating what i was gonna do than..it broke my heart i had to let them know..i cant imagine what it must have been like..but at the same time i was picking out names and getting excited i kept telling myself "i could do this"..and for about a month and a half i was planning on keeping him, but one night i couldnt sleep something didnt feel right so i got on my knees and prayed real hard for the first time in a very long time..and it came to me i needed to call heather so i did, i hadnt talked to her sense i decided i was keeping him..but as soon as she answered the phone, that overwhelming feeling came again..just by her voice, i knew it she was the mother of my child..so i let her know the adoption was back on, and she started coming to my doctors appointments with me and we got to knew each other and this woman has a heart of gold, she just has this glow about her..that when your around her it makes everything okay, i felt safe, i knew i was gonna be okay in the end when i was around her. so the months passed and when i had my last doctors appointment my doctor let me know i would be induced the next day, and i can remember being so nervous i didnt sleep one minute that night, i know he was in my belly but it was my last night "with him" and so i took advantage of every second that night. the next morning i was in the bathroom getting my gown on in the hospital and i realized i was gonna be doing this alone i didnt have that other significant other to go threw this with, yes, i had my family but none of them knew truly what i was about to go threw..so when they put all the needles in me and i got my epidural all my family came to sit with me threw the 14 hour labor, and i had heather come for me..and when she walked in that door i knew i wouldnt be doing this alone, she was that other person i would go threw this with, she wouldnt be there in the dilvery or anything but she was that other person to feel scared with..and i was okay..so it was time to push around 7 at night and it took about two hours before finally he came, oh that moment was the best moment of my entire life..i changed my mind right than i couldnt go threw it, the adoption, he was mine..and he was perfect 8 pounds 12 oz all that big baby was mine. so that night i couldnt have the family come see him..and when they finally got me down stairs and i got to just hold him i never wanted to leave that moment..we finally got him to sleep and i had him sleep in the room with me that night. of course i couldnt sleep i just listen all night to him make his baby noises, he has a real good cat noise he makes when he sleeps. oh it was hilarous but listening to him just breathe was so amazing..i cried almost the whole night in silence but i heard my mom start crying around 3 am and i knew i wasnt alone going threw this..so the next day i had vistors and all my family come, but we set a certian time for shane and heather to come..when they came in and i saw heather and shane hold my son, i couldnt help but think graydee didnt pick me for his mother..he choose heather ...i was just to get him here safe and healthy..yes i am his mother and always will be but heather truly is his "mother" so i spent the rest of the day with vistors, and when i had family in the room i was thinking i only have one more day with this baby, and i just broke down and everyone stared at me..i had to tell them to go i felt horrible but this was my time with him..which was more important..so i spent again that night, just listening to graydee sleep.
the next day was signing the adoption papers and sending him home with his family..the adoption atorney came in and put the papers in front of me , and it felt so wrong i again had changed my mind..but i signed the papers cause everyone was there i didnt have a choose i felt..so after that i had about an two hours to spend with graydee..and when it was time for him to go home..i couldnt do it..the whole three days i had him he slept and that last 20 minutes i had him his eyes were open the entire time, not crying or fusy just staring at me..so i cried with him in my arms..and after i calmed down i had just heather come get him, because this was a mother to mother thing and so she came in to that room and i knew i was doing the right thing i placed graydee in her arms that was the second most amazing moment of my life..we both cried..and she said "alex i love you" and than i realized i didnt need to sign any stupid papers to know that graydee was hers..and she walked out with him..he was gone just like that..and i couldnt breathe it was like someone punched me in the stomach..but at the same time i felt comforted that i was gonna be okay. so there i had to be brave i had to put my feelings aside for graydee i love this little guy so much i needed to give him more than i could give him. yes im sure i could have done it , raised him, i would have found a way..but there were those things i couldnt give him that every child deserves..and heather and shane could! i will never know if keeping him was the right thing, ill never know, but i will know that "gifting him" i didnt give him up or place him..i gifted him with a life..and i will know that i did the right thing..even though there are days were i feel i cant go on that i made a mistake but, than i think of that moment when years down the rode when he is old enough to understand he will be able to say "thank you, mom" and all of this im going threw sadness and confusion..will all go away..
i did this all alone, i have never done anything alone, but i did the biggest thing that ever happened to me, and i did it alone it took courage that i never knew i had, but i did it, im still doing it...and im gonna get threw this.
i have become a completly, better person and changed my whole life around..and i have this tiny "big" little baby to thank for it.:))
it took being brave, couragous and all my love to do what i had to do..people always say "i think your really amazing", i dont think that..i just did what i had to do..and taking one day at time.