Saturday, June 12, 2010


so their has been so much on my chest latley so i think now is a good time to just get it off.
one big event happened last week.
my dad got married.
which dont get me wrong i was totally thrilled about and couldnt be happier for my dad.
but i couldnt help but think, as i sat on the side watching my dad make vows with
another woman ( who i love) that this isnt the was its supposed to be.
i shouldnt be 18 and seeing my dad getting married he should be walking me and my
sisters down the aisle.
ive gone 18 years knowing only one mother and one father.
and now.....
their will always be two mothers and one day two father.
i hate to say it, and i hope i dont offened anyone when i say..i never wanted to say that.
even though i love my new step mom, and my two new siblings. i do.
but it isnt "home" you would think i would be used to it by now.
but im not and i pray and hope one day this wont feel this way.
and i can say these are my families, and this is my "home"

speaking of "home" i moved out of my house that i had lived in for 14 years, well it will be a year in september. and ive lived in this home with my mom.
but this isnt home.
this is just a place i sleep.
when my mom isnt here, its dole and lonely.
but when she is here i get a little taste of home.
something i may never fully feel again.
but when i get that glimpse of it occasionly, those are the days
i say to myself "it really is gonna be okay"

okay so i dont want everyone thinking im depressed and sad all the time.
cause im not.
im actually the happiest i have been in a very long time.
yes i have my days where i feel i cant go on one more day, and all i want
is to hold my son, and know im not alone in this..which those days are happening more
often then id like but i know its just cause i need to feel, if i ever want to heal fully.
but than i have those days where im just happy, doing nothing special then the
day before, those days make up for the sad days. and give hope.
i know alot of the reason i have happier days is because, i am back in the church thing
if you can say it that way.
tomorrow in sacrament i can take the bread and water for the first time in 3 years.
and i have never felt more relieved in my life.
i dont go a night with out praying and im reading the book of mormon for the first time.
its insane how the littlest things like those can change you, make you a happier person.
give a feeling of hope =)
after all this.
it can only get better.

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